7 Steps to Deal with Relationship Differences

Differences. How to love each other. How often to have sex. How to fry an egg.

Differences between any two people are inevitable. Before getting married, most of us rule out the big ones, like political and religious differences. Most of us talk through our desires on having children or where to live. But once two lives are woven together, it’s the small differences, those typically overlooked in the vetting process, that can have the biggest impact on our quality of life together.
 
Marriages bring out the many little differences in how we walk through the world: how we make daily micro-decisions, how we think (impulsive vs. methodical), how we relate to time (punctual vs. chronically late), and how we organize our environment (disordered vs. compartmentalized).
 
All of these idiosyncrasies can create a constant chafing, making a marriage feel like an ongoing battle for “how to do” everything. I can learn a lot from a couple by asking who does the dishes. Early on, power struggles show up in the kitchen and negative narratives about the other begin---‘she’s obsessed with the house and doesn’t want to have fun’ or ‘he’s lazy.’
 
However, differences can be managed in a way that creates harmony. They don’t need to become a threat to your coexistence, in fact, they can be naturally absorbed into your daily life together if you have a process for working with them. Each difference, no matter how large or small, can be brought to the table for a negotiation. Here’s are the 7 steps to easing marital discord:

1. State your truth. You must negotiate from a position of authenticity. In other words, don’t pretend to be a certain way for your partner.
2. Ask about your partner’s position. Don’t assume you know their motivations and intentions. Always ask what their position means to them.
3. Show respect for your partner’s point of view. It’s tempting to believe your way is superior. It’s tempting to judge, criticize or believe one way is correct- but this common mistake will isolate the two of you instead of drawing you closer together.
4. Once both positons are stated and understood, then you can begin a proper negotiation. The goal is harmony for the marriage, not getting what you want. Think about what’s best for the team.
5. Be clear and direct.  If you don’t want to do the dishes—say that clearly. Then negotiate from there.
6. Always know that the goal is to reach a solution. So make an offer, a proposal designed to promote the most peaceful solution. This can involve creative ideas. Then, your partner should make a counter offer. This process can go as many rounds as necessary until both parties agree.
7. Both parties’ concerns should be considered. Don’t comply with your partners ways to be pleasing or to avoid conflict as this only leads to resentment.

 
Installing a negotiation ritual into your marriage is empowering; it takes you out of the blaming, complaining victim position into a creative role that ensures your voice is heard. Further, the radical honesty involved in this process will ultimately create a sense of authenticity and freedom. Successful couples bring an attitude of respect, openness to difference and even humor.