By Brandy Engler, PsyD
Your teen walks in from the first week of school and tells you that her group chat's gone quiet, or that lunch felt weird. Before you or your teen knows it, there has been a change in the friend group over the summer. One friend got closer to a different group, and another moved.
You may want to fix this the way you'd fix most things on your teen's behalf. You might be contemplating calling the other parents or saying something to your teen to smooth it over. But you can't really do that here as forcing your way into a friendship that's already drifted usually makes things more awkward, not less.
Why Finding a New Group Beats Fighting for the Old One
As the parent watching from the sideline, you may be inclined to push your teen to patch things up, to fight for the friendship that just changed. Sometimes that's the right call, but other times, the more caring thing you can do is help your teen to let go and start looking for a group where they might actually fit better. There may be a kid in your teen's grade who's just as ready for a new friend as your teen is, and finding each other can be as simple as saying hi to a friendly face in the hallway, or sitting down next to someone new at lunch.
You'll watch your teen grow in different directions than their friends, over and over, for the rest of their life. They may not know that yet but you do. As a parent, at this time, what you can do is help your teen look for a different lunch table, a club, or a team. What you are guiding your teen to do here is to redirect the same social energy somewhere it might actually be returned.
Practicing the Moment That Actually Feels Scary: Walking Up
It's easy to tell your teen to just go make new friends, like that's a simple thing to do. But your teen knows that the actual scary part is the walking up and sitting down at a table where you don't already belong, or showing up to a club meeting where everyone else seems to already know each other. It might help to practice with your teen how to handle this moment, to get them comfortable with walking up to a new group of friends and saying hi.
Pick something short and low-key your teen could actually say walking up to a new lunch table or a first club meeting, something like: "Hey, mind if I sit here?" or "Hey, is this where the club meets? Mind if I sit in?" Say it out loud together a few times, at home, where it’s okay to get it wrong a few times at first. Your teen may be telling themselves that everyone will notice them sitting down, that it'll be obviously awkward. Rehearsing the actual scene will help give your teen the confidence and courage to start the conversation instead of freezing at the edge of the room not knowing what to do.
This Takes More Than One Try
Your teen probably won't feel at home at that first new table right away, and that's normal. Check back in with your teen again in a week, and again after that. Ask how the new table felt, or whether the club meeting made them want to go back. Something like this may sound ordinary for a grown up, but for a teenager, they might feel like their whole world is caving in. If this situation drags on for more than a few weeks, or your teen starts avoiding new groups altogether rather than just feeling awkward in them, teen therapy gives your teen somewhere to work through it.
If you want help finding the right person for your teen to talk to, book an appointment and we'll take it from there.
Brandy Engler, PsyD, licensed psychologist affiliated with Silver Lake Psychology. Not personal medical advice. Crisis: call or text 988.