By Brandy Engler, PsyD
When you and your partner have trouble telling each other what you want, small frustrations can turn into arguments. You may know what's bothering you, but when you try to tell your partner, you can't seem to find the right words, and what comes out can sound like judgment or a complaint instead. Your partner may then get angry back at you instead of understanding what you want.
A simple four-part script can help. It gives you a way to say what you noticed, how you felt, why it mattered and what you'd like, so your partner has something clear to respond to.
What the four-part script is and why it helps
The four-part script gives you a simple structure for saying what you want. It helps because it keeps you focused on what happened and what you want instead of on blame, which makes it easier for your partner to understand what you're asking for. Go through the four parts in the same order each time, with each part covering one piece of what you want to say to your partner.
- Say what you noticed. Describe what you saw or heard, plainly.
- Say what you felt. Pick the emotion that came up for you.
- Say why. Explain why the moment mattered to you.
- Say what you want. Ask for something specific, and close by asking whether your partner will agree to it.
The sections below take each step in turn, using the same example of a partner walking out of the room.
Describing what happened
Say you're telling your partner about a hard day, and halfway through a sentence, they walk out of the room. When you're hurt, it's easy to say something like, "You obviously don't care." Instead, stick to your observation, which is just what you saw, like, "I was in the middle of telling you about my day when I saw you walk out of the room."
An observation doesn't judge why your partner did something, or whether they should have. It only states what you saw, which keeps the conversation on what happened instead of on your partner's motives.
Saying what you feel & why
Next, tell your partner how you felt and why. In the walked-out example, you might be feeling "ignored," and the reason for the feeling is "I was hoping you were listening." Keep the feeling about you.
Saying what you want
The last part is what you'd like your partner to do. Say it specifically, like, "I would prefer you to stay in the room with me when I'm talking, because that helps me feel heard." Then end with a question, such as, "Could we agree to that? Are you willing?"
Ending with a question gives your partner room to answer, so you're asking for an agreement instead of giving an order.
Why the script uses I statements
The script is built from I statements, a classic communication technique. An I statement describes your own feelings, thoughts or experience without blaming your partner, so your partner is less likely to feel attacked and get defensive. A you statement focuses on your partner's behavior, character or intentions, like "You never listen to me" or "You are so inconsiderate," and it can sound like criticism even when you don't mean it that way.
Here are a few ways to turn a you statement into an I statement.
- "You never help me around the house" becomes "I feel overwhelmed managing the housework, and I'd like us to divide the chores more evenly."
- "You don't care about what I have to say" becomes "I can’t tell if you hear me when I'm talking and you look at your phone, and I'd appreciate having your attention for a few minutes."
- "You are so selfish with your time" becomes "I miss spending time together, and I'd like us to set aside one evening this week for each other."
You can start a sentence with "I" and still blame your partner. "I feel like you're a selfish person" is still a judgment about your partner's character, and "I feel that you need to get your act together" is criticism dressed up as an I statement. "I feel hurt when our plans are canceled without discussion" works better because it describes your experience and one specific behavior, which gives your partner something to respond to. Even then, your partner may still get defensive, since an I statement can't guarantee how someone responds.
You don't have to drop every sentence that starts with "you," either. "You seemed upset earlier. Would you like to talk about it?" is an open question, so your partner doesn't hear an accusation.
A few guidelines can help you choose your words.
- Describe what your partner did and leave out what it says about who they are.
- Share how you feel and leave out guesses about why your partner did it.
- Ask for what you want, since your partner can't read your mind.
- Be direct without being demeaning.
Try the script on holiday plans
Say you overhear your partner making holiday plans with their family before the two of you have talked. You might try, "I noticed you were making plans with your family for the holidays. I feel unimportant, because being part of our holiday plans matters to me. I'd like to be part of the discussion, and I'd like to be on the family group chat. Could we agree not to make plans that include both of us without including each other in the conversation? Are you willing to do that?"
What to expect when you first use the script
The script may sound simple, but it might take a lot of practice, especially if you're used to saying whatever comes to mind. As you first try it with your partner, you may find it odd and stiff, and you may forget it altogether once a moment heats up. You can still use it later, when you're calmer, to go back and say what you meant.
If your current way of talking works for the two of you, keep it. If it keeps leading to disagreements, the script gives you a clear way to sort things out.
Common questions about telling your partner what you want
Q: What if my partner says no to what I ask?
A: Your partner is free to agree or decline. If they decline, you can look together for another option that works for both of you.
Q: Can I use the script with friends or family?
A: It may help there too. The four parts work the same way with a friend, a sibling or a parent.
Q: What if I'm not sure what I want yet?
A: Give yourself time before the conversation. Writing out the first three parts, which are what you noticed, how you felt and why it mattered, may help you figure out what you want, and you'll have an easier time asking clearly once you know what you're asking for.
If you and your partner keep getting stuck in the same conversation, Silver Lake Psychology offers couples therapy and individual therapy. Book a first session online.
If you or someone you care about is in crisis, please call or text 988 or visit your nearest emergency room.