By Brandy Engler, PsyD
Many kids push back when parents try to coach them on friendships. Your child may say “I don’t want to hear it” or go silent as soon as you start talking. You may feel hurt or frustrated, and you may question whether you’re doing something wrong. Pushback is a common part of parenting, especially around friendships, and knowing what’s behind it may guide what you do when your child won’t listen to your advice.
Why kids push back on advice about friends
Friendships feel personal to kids, and advice about them may feel like a comment on who they are. Even gentle advice may feel critical to them, especially if your child already feels unsure about their place with friends. A suggestion like “Maybe you could just ask her what’s wrong” may sound to your child like “You’re doing it wrong.”
As kids grow, they also want more independence, and handling their own friendships is part of that. Older kids and preteens may push back because they want to figure things out without a parent’s help, even when they’re struggling. Timing plays a part, too. Advice that comes right after a hard day may land on a child who’s already tired or upset.
Look at how your time together has felt lately
If your child keeps pushing back, think about your recent conversations. If most of them have been about what your child should do differently, your child may be tired of hearing it. Try a stretch of time where you mostly do fun things together and hold on to your advice. Your child may be more open to it once things feel warmer between you, because the advice won’t feel like one more thing they’re getting wrong.
Choose a time when you’re both rested and calm
When your child pushes back, the problem may have more to do with timing than with your advice. Hunger and fatigue affect how well anyone handles a hard conversation. A child who’s hungry or worn out after a long day may have less patience and a harder time taking in what you’re saying. The same goes for you, since stress may make your words come out sharper than you intend.
Before you bring up something sensitive, it may help to check a few things.
- Your child has eaten recently and isn’t running on empty.
- Neither of you is tired or stressed from the day.
- You have time to talk without rushing to the next activity.
If any of these isn’t true right now, consider waiting. Bringing up the same advice a few hours later, or the next day, may help your child hear it with a clearer head.
Ask before you give advice
You can give your child some control by asking what they want from the conversation. A question like “Do you want ideas, or do you just want me to listen?” lets your child decide how much help they need. Kids who feel they have a say may be more open to your input, and sometimes listening may be all they need from you that day. Respecting their answer also shows your child that you trust them to know what they need.
Share your own experiences
Advice may feel like a lecture, while a story may feel like a conversation. You might tell your child about a time when you had a falling-out with a friend at their age and what you learned from it. Hearing that you went through something similar may comfort your child, and they may take away a lesson without feeling told what to do. Keep the story short and focused on your child’s situation, so it doesn’t turn into a long trip down memory lane.
Decide whether the issue needs your feedback now
Not every issue needs your feedback right away. Ask yourself whether this is something to address or something to let go. It may help to pick one or two big goals for your child, like including others or handling losing, and let smaller things wait. Focusing on fewer goals may also keep your child from feeling like everything they do needs fixing.
When pushback may be about something more
Sometimes a child who refuses all coaching may be facing something heavier, like anxiety or a hard experience with peers. You may notice other changes, too, like pulling away from friends they used to enjoy or seeming down for weeks at a time. If you’ve tried these steps and nothing is getting through, a therapist may help you and your child figure out what’s in the way. Therapy gives your child a place to talk with someone outside the family, which may feel easier than talking with a parent about something painful.
Common questions about pushback
Q: Should I push through until my child listens?
A: Pushing through may feel like your only option, but forcing the conversation may make pushback stronger. Stepping back for now and trying again later may work better.
Q: Does pushback mean my child doesn’t care?
A: Pushback usually doesn’t mean your child doesn’t care. More often, the advice feels uncomfortable, or the timing is off. Some kids push back hardest on the topics they care about most.
Q: How long should I wait before trying again?
A: The right amount of time depends on your child and the situation. Focus on connection first, and try again when things feel warmer between you.
If your child keeps shutting you out, our team can help you find a way back into the conversation. Silver Lake Psychology offers therapy for children, teens, adults and families, with locations in California, Virginia, Colorado and Tennessee and by telehealth. Call us to find a therapist who fits.